Dinner Party Crimes

[Earthmaiden]

I felt that people here could add to the list ...

Dinner party crimes: Bad dinner parties can be a painful experience for all involved, said Julie Bindel in The Spectator, so would-be hosts may want to take note of her "list of absolute atrocities to avoid".
Guests should never be greeted by "a complete absence of cooking smells" on arrival ("because nothing has been pre-prepared").
Children "still up and having to be put to bed" is another no-no.
And the "worst dinner party crime" of all is seeing the host dipping "a spoon in whatever they are cooking, tasting it, then putting the spoon back in".

(Copied from 'This Week' - the Spectator has a paywall).

[Seatallan]

Hmmmm.... to be honest, I really wouldn't be bothered by any of them. The absence of cooking smells could mean many things- a cold starter and pre-prepared pud with one of those mains you have to cook at the last minute for example- and if you're close friends you'd probably want to spend a wee bit of time with their children before they go to bed. As for the spoon, for heaven's sake....

I shall have to give some thought to what I really would consider a dinner party crime.

[Suelle]

Criminal hosts or guests?

I find guests who insist on opening the bottle of wine they've brought, even though you have wine ready to drink (breathing or chilled, as necessary) pretty rude, especially if they manage to imply that theirs is better quality!

[Earthmaiden]

Or vice versa - I took a relatively expensive bottle of wine as a dinner party gift expecting it to be appreciated at a later date. At the end of the evening when the hostess had polished off most of the alcohol in the house she opened it. It wasn't supposed to be a very boozy party or I'd have taken a few bottles of cheap plonk.

I think pretentious hosts and guests are pretty bad. Also, unusual foods which only the initiated know how to eat correctly (and which haven't been served with the expectation that everyone can have fun learning together).

[herbidacious]

What counts as a dinner party? Does it involve more than you and your partner being invited? If so the last and possibly only one I have been invited to was about 20 years ago. The last one I held was when I was a postgrad in the '90s which was suitably casual.
Going round to friends for dinner or having them has been a rare but very casual experience and when it's me going to someone else's I am just happy(ish) to be invited and don't care how it proceeds.
I think living in London and not having any local friends is a factor in this lack.

One point of etiquette I am not sure on, if going on my own, is wine, given that I don't drink. Should I take wine? I feel a bit awkward doing so. Last solo dinner invite, I took Fortnum's posh tea and biscuits. My hosts are evangelical Christians (well he's Jewish but seems to go to church) and don't have an embargo on drink, but don't drink much. It wasn't offered anyway even though I don't think she knows I don't drink. Thinking about it, few of my friends drink regularly and a couple, althlough not tee-total, don't really like it. What would other people do/expect if you were the host?
If one does take wine and is going as a couple do you take one bottle or two? I really don't have a clue.
I do understand, at least, that the wine you take or receive is not necessarily to be opened... I didn't get this when I was younger, but then studenty things are different.

[Stokey Sue]

If you put the children to bed, who lays the table? Anne Scott-Moncrieff wrote some brilliant articles on surviving your own dinner parties, one of her tips was that if you are rushed you lay the table first - it doesn’t take long and makes it clear you really are going to provide food at some point. Even if no cooking smells yet.

The wine is always a minefield. It used to be that if you were properly posh wine was not expected, as obviously you would have arranged your wines to match the food, so flowers chocs etc were better hostess gifts. Now some people seem to think it’s a sort of routine dinner tax.

One thing that annoys me is when you settle down to wait and chat while someone faffs around in the kitchen and you are either not offered an aperitif at all (a glass of cold white plonk is fine) or the wine is still unchilled in carrier bags in the hall and a crazy hunt ensues for the set of wineglasses that are at the back of a cupboard somewhere, and generally you are made to feel like an unreasonable pest for expecting the first stage of an event arranged 3 weeks ago to actually happen. There are houses where i deliberately take a chilled white to cut this short.

Other things that annoy;-
Lack of napkins - they don’t have to be starched damask like a restaurant, a paper towel will do
Background music - if you must have it, keep it quiet, I’m here for the conversation (and food) mot a boogie

[RockyBVI]

The last proper posh dinner party was last year when a friend hosted for a big birthday. A chef came in and our friend was clear that he was organising wine pairings - so we took some nice single malt and champagne. That’s the exception rather than the rule thought.

We do however have friends over and go to friends’s houses fairly regularly to eat - just as two couples or sometimes three. I wouldn’t expect a non drinker to bring wine. Agree withSue on it being really annoying to be told to arrive at a time and the host is in the thick of it and doesn’t offer a drink.

Not an annoyance, but I don’t understand hosts who have people over and the dishwasher is full of everyday things. I try to have as much prepared as possible - including having everything that can be washed up done.

[Sloe-Gin]

Years ago, we were friends with a couple who were the epitome of style. She was a domestic science teacher (you can tell this was about 40 years ago!!)
We used to bring contributions in what we called 'toil and foil' or 'cling and bring'
I used to slave for hours, as hers were so impressive.
She later told me they were from M & S.

Passing it off as your own!!!

[Uschi]

It is a long time since I hosted biggish birthday parties with several courses and six or more people coming.
If I had a lot to do, at least I had drinks standing there for the guests to help themselves, and usually something to nibble. I had a tiny kitchen with a two hob oven and tried to conjure up five course Chinese or Indian meals, which took some doing, but no one did that at the time so the guests were happy to pitch in, either serving other guests their drinks or helping me by carrying the food in. It was hectic and stressful, but we all enjoyed it.

Music: yes, it needs to be background music, so quite low.

[WWordsworth]

don’t understand hosts who have people over and the dishwasher is full of everyday things.

I agree
I generally run the dishwasher once the prep is done then I can have a clear run at it later.

Can't be doing with arriving at the appropriate time and being herded straight to the table.

(Predictive wanted to put ar&ed after "Can't be...". Oops)

[Seatallan]

My dear departed Scottish friend was always late- sometimes spectacularly late- for everything (including both her weddings- she managed to be on time for her funeral but the celebrant was late ) and I can remember several occasions when, having invited us round for a meal, there'd be no answer when you rang the doorbell because she'd nipped to the local Tesco to purchase said meal ingredients (bless her....)

We all knew to have something to eat before we rolled up on the basis we'd be most unlikely to get any further tucker for hours. Not that we ever told her that.

[northleedsbhoy]

What’s a dinner party? Aren’t they a throwback to bygone times? I would not dream of going to see friends for a meal without seeing their kids (maybe not babies if they’re fast asleep). As for bringing drinks then if it’s not opened because they already have some then I don’t see it as a problem - after all it’s just a token present at the end of the day unless the guest actually says they’ll supply all the drinks, which I have done in the past. As for the smell of cooking it means that it’s freshly cooked or the absence is because it’s a Chinese, Indian, Thai etc delivery meal and I’ve had many a great night with those as it takes the pressure of the host.

Life these days is far too short for all the faff that used to go into the old formal parties of yore.

I might be in the minority about this but it’s a case of what’s best for those involved so there’s no actual definitive answer.

Cheers
NLB

[scullion]

Life these days is far too short for all the faff that used to go into the old formal parties of yore.

and many women have more sense than to attempt to work outside (and inside) the home and rustle up a 'dinner party'. when we meet up for a meal with friends it's usually 'everyone bring a dish' meal.

[Uschi]

What’s a dinner party? Aren’t they a throwback to bygone times? I would not dream of going to see friends for a meal without seeing their kids (maybe not babies if they’re fast asleep). As for bringing drinks then if it’s not opened because they already have some then I don’t see it as a problem - after all it’s just a token present at the end of the day unless the guest actually says they’ll supply all the drinks, which I have done in the past. As for the smell of cooking it means that it’s freshly cooked or the absence is because it’s a Chinese, Indian, Thai etc delivery meal and I’ve had many a great night with those as it takes the pressure of the host.

Life these days is far too short for all the faff that used to go into the old formal parties of yore.

I might be in the minority about this but it’s a case of what’s best for those involved so there’s no actual definitive answer.

Cheers
NLB

Yup, my mother used to manage big relatively formal dinner parties, but as time wore on, things became more relaxed ... she even allowed me to cook some or all dishes . The cakes and gateaux she used to bake herself mostly, but I got to decorate them.

[Earthmaiden]

We never did posh dinner parties but when the children were growing up we did enjoy dinners with a circle of friends where children were not invited (the hosts children went to bed and other people had babysitters) and where we dressed for an evening out. No-one lived in a grand house or anything but the houses would have been tidied and and the tables laid as nicely as possible. It was a real treat. In those days the women usually did the cooking and we enjoyed cooking special things and sometimes trying new recipes.

[northleedsbhoy]

We never did posh dinner parties but when the children were growing up we did enjoy dinners with a circle of friends where children were not invited (the hosts children went to bed and other people had babysitters) and where we dressed for an evening out. No-one lived in a grand house or anything but the houses would have been tidied and and the tables laid as nicely as possible. It was a real treat. In those days the women usually did the cooking and we enjoyed cooking special things and sometimes trying new recipes.

To be honest I don’t think I would’ve gone to the type of dinner parties where the hosts children were sent to bed except if they were very young, like under 5-6 as my friends kids normally were in bed by about 7.00-7.30. Knowing that people were coming to the house would be comparable to trying to get a child to sleep on Christmas Eve. I’ve been to friends houses and the kids kept getting up because they knew people were there and they were naturally curious about what was going on.

Cheers
NLB

[Earthmaiden]

Yes, they were quite young!

[Uschi]

I was usually allowed to greet the guests and natter for a little while before being sent off to bed when I was very little.
Mind you, we had dinners that could be big in numbers, but they weren't too formal.
My mother's Kaffeeklatsch (afternoon coffee with cakes and chatter (Klatsch = gossip) were great, a beautifully decked out table with flowers, candles, fancy paper napkins and good china and usually and great cakes and pastries, but they weren't formal as such.

[WWordsworth]

I'm not sure I have ever cooked for what you would describe as a dinner party.
(J has )

We have a handful of friends coming at the weekend and it will be roast pork, Jersey royals and a variety of salads, followed by cheese.
Nobody is really bothered about a pudding so it won't be eaten and if I make one we will have to work our way through it during the following days.

As long as the guests arrive within 20 mins or so of the time given, with a smile on their face, I am happy.

Just don't be like the ones I had to ask to leave
At 0415h

[Earthmaiden]

Perhaps stating a time for carriages to arrive at the end isn't a bad idea .